and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
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