I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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