Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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