Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
