Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
