She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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