I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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