The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
