I puked a lego.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
