So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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