it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.