If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
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They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
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I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.