I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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