i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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