its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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