why do cheetos always look like penises
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
