i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
