Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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