well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
