What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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