You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
