he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize