and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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