I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
