I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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