if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
