I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
