hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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