I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
