I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
