When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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