i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
