I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize