question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
