I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He told me they were just razor bumps!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
