do herpes really smell.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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