I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
