Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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