Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I checked into jail on foursquare
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Randomize
