jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
