It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
