Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
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I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
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I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize