Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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