If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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