hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you made out with another girl for some wings
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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