I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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