Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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