U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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