remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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