your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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