In America we eat man semen.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
