i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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