and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
