found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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