Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
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I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
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I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If I die, sorry about rent.