If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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