Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
