I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
