just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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