I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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