dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
